I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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