It's like God shit irony all over that family
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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