Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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