well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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