so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
