From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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