I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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