I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
