Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
