btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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