Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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