So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
