I love black thongs
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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