the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
