It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
