I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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