I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
