Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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