I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
