The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize