Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
