Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
