Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
