my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
