just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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