Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
