apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
