1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
