The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
