I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Never underestimate the power of titties
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
