my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
