You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
