Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
BRING THE BAGELS
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
