My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
