I just pynch a tree in the face
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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