im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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