I'm really into asian looking animals
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
