Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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