He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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