Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
