her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
