I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
