And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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