for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
