Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
