and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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