Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
