yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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