Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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