My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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