lets start a swedish sibling band together
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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