real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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