This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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