I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
