What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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