The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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