she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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