is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just puked most of my soul out..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
