I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
