Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
